I'm 6 months pregnant and my husband just told me that he's met someone else and wants a divorce. Beyond being heartbroken I'm really terrified that I won't be able to take care of the baby on my own. Although my mom lives in town she's got Alzheimer's so, obviously, she's not going to be a support system for me. I have lots of friends but how much of me leaning on them can they take? I'm terrified and feel completely alone and needed to share.
Both Slacker and Steve were flabbergasted by Erin’s story and figured that when taking calls they should be more productive than simply bash the husband and instead, get this woman some sound advice in such a trying time.
What advice do you have for Erin?
Personally for me, there are no words when it comes to this situation… it’s entirely unfathomable. I would say that she should certainly go through every legal action and get what she deserves regarding financial support and what not, but apart from that she needs to remember that in the end she will win. Not only because she turned out to be the better human being, but because she will have this child to love and care for and her ex-husband will forever live in regret. It hurts now, but single motherhood isn’t impossible. My mom raised my sister and I as a single parent and I couldn’t have asked for anything more in a parent.
First, I have to say that I'm impressed by Erin's strength in even asking for help. Many people struggle to do that much. Second, I hope that Erin recognizes that she is allowed to feel everything she is feeling right now, regardless what it is or whether it makes sense to her or anyone around her. What she does with those feelings is obviously a much more complicated matter.
Regardless, I think it would help for Erin to talk with each of her friends up front about her need for support and her fear of asking too much. She may be surprised at the amount of support they give. This would also give everyone an opportunity to say right away how much they think they can handle and how to communicate when they reach their limits or when they're genuinely able to give more. It might help to put this in writing because it's easy to forget you're not alone when things are rough and to be so overwhelmed that you can't remember what someone said.
I wish Erin the best of luck.
Erin, my heart goes out to you. I don't usually respond to these shows, I prefer to just listen, but I have been in a similar situation as yours, and I felt the need to write to you. Initially I did fight for the relationship, and I forgave him for being with someone else during the pregnancy ( easy to rationalize when your hurt and confused). After our daughter was born, we continued to struggle (cheated again). I had come to the realization that, I wanted the marriage to work, because I did not want to face the dissapointed, and my fears. What I am trying to say, is that we have these ideas of what our life will be like, as husband and wife, and as a family etc. and when that dream disappears, we struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and focus on our dissapointment and fears, rather than our next step on this new journey. I promise that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Being a single parent was not as bad, as I had anticipated, there were a lot of unknowns. I loved every moment of it, and to this day, my daughter tells me she would not of had it any other way. You are in for some good days, and some bad days, just remember to take it day by day, step by step, and you will realize that you alone can provide a nuturing environment for you and your child.Through your difficult times, try to stay focused on your new goals and new dreams. Seek out your friends and family during your difficult time. I think you will be surprised of how much of a support they can be. You had mentioned your "pride", you have nothing to be ashamed of, he does. You are not to blame, for his actions, he is. I could go on and on, but I will end here. I wish you the best in your new journey, and I hope you find some comfort from the people who have reached out to you, during this difficult time.
I will keep you in prayers,
You Won't be Alone
I too was a single mom, although situation was a bit different, the outcome will be similar. when you get over the shock, and although now it is hard to imagine life without your husband, the shock will give way to so many other emotions that will help you through those rough days. I am surprised by your reluctance to tell your "friends", since to me and my circle it means no matter what. Upon talking to them, you will find out who the "real" friends are - a cliche (yes) but it happens quickly. Embrace those people that embrace you!! Those that are really your friends will get to witness and be a part of your childs life and you couldn't ask for better 'family'. To this day (20 years later) my "family" has not only influenced my daughter's life (she is now 21 and about to graduate from college) she talks to them as often as she does me. They brought things into her life that I couldn't and they helped her become the wonderful women she is today. So if your current friends don't embrace this situation, hold on, because the ride you are about to take will expose you to individuals that impact not only your child, but yours.
Now, for the reality you are about to face...it hurts and it will put you through the most demeaning and degrading part of human nature. I wanted my divorce, and it still was hard for me. I heard you say that you still love him...you will, but even if he decides that he wants to come back to you, in your heart you know you will never be able to trust someone with that little of a heart. It may take you a few months, but you will end up being in this situation again, just later. Maybe that is what it will take for you to gain the strength to cut "bait". Unfortunately, the odds are against people changing to that extent - I wish I was wrong. And this is only relivent if he decides to not participate in the childs life. Whole nother blog - ha Remember one thing - he is still the father and your child will eventually know what really happened, hatred only makes you look bad and makes the child feel like he/she did something wrong or weren't good enough. Your child will realize over time, who has always been there - so believe in yourself and love that child no matter what. In the end you will win - their heart and trust. Those are more important than money any day; I am not saying don't get what is equitable.
So have your cry, it will does make you feel better and then remember, this life that you have within you is about to change your life more dramatically than a divorce. He/She will make you laugh hysterically - between the ages of 2-8; and angry beyond belief - between the ages of 8-12(boy) 12-16(girl). But the journey and the memories you will have will be with you a lifetime. I hope the best for you...My story ended wonderful and I have no doubt, you're stronger than you remember right now - yours will too!!!
One day at a time...
Dear Erin, or whomever may read this,
I was so upset when I heard your story on the air, I usually just listen to what advice everyone else has to say, however today the story was all to familiar. I was in an abusive relationship and tried to stick it out because I just knew it was going to get better...it didn't it got worse. I was 5 months pregnant and we had got in another huge fight, when I came back to the house after work, he had managed to clear out the house and our joint bank account. He took EVERYTHING, including the bed! I was devestated, I could only cry and cry and cry. I knew I had to move on. I was about to enter the single mother club, and I wasn't sure if I was strong enough. I know a lot of single mothers and used them as my inspiration. In fact, I felt some comfort in knowing that the President of the United States was raised by his single mother, that meant that my son had a chance to grow up to become whatever he wanted to be! I do not talk bad about about this guy in front of my child, because wheter I like it or not, my son shares his DNA, and if I put this guy down, then I am in a way putting my son down, and he doesn't deserve that. I do not get child support because it would in no way benefit my son to have this man in his life. I feel strongly that my son should be surrounded by people who love him and want to support him, not because they are court ordered, because they want to. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, because there will be a lot of tears, I'm saying it can be done. Take it one day at a time. My son is the best thing that could have ever happened, I had to overcome a lot, however I love him in a way I didn't know existed.