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Wes McKane's Blog

20 Ways NOT to Kiss

Whatever you do, DO NOT…

1 … have bad breath or unclean teeth — it’s the equivalent of hooking up in underwear with skid marks.

2 … lick your lips before going in — this is not dinner.

3 … drown your lips in gloss or lipstick.

4 … tongue jab.

5 … have chapped lips.

6 … aim for their uvula with your tongue.

7 … slobber all over your partner’s face — spit is cold and nasty when it gets outside your mouth.

8 … make your tongue hard and pointy.

9 … head straight for the boobs, the ass or the crotch as soon as the kissing commences.
10 … immediately ram your tongue inside.

11 … open your mouth as wide as possible, like you’re attempting to eat the other person’s head.

12 … kiss with a cold sore (i.e. oral herpes).

13 … fail to mention that you have oral herpes, even if you’re currently asymptomatic, as there’s still always a chance — albeit slight — of transmission.

14 … run your tongue along their gums.

15 … sneak up on someone so they don’t have a chance to deflect the incoming kiss.

16 … hold their head in a headlock or press too hard, especially if beard stubble is involved.

17 … withhold tongue altogether.

18 … conduct the oral equivalent of a limp handshake — it’ll make your partner feel like they’re kissing a dead fish.

19 … look around or over your partner’s shoulder during the kiss. (Some people like to kiss with their eyes open, but we recommend keeping your peepers shuttered during a first or early kiss, as wide eyes can freak some people out.)

20 … kiss with gum or food in your mouth.

03/26/2013 7:00AM
20 Ways NOT to Kiss
Please Enter Your Comments Below
03/26/2013 10:11PM
Did you practice that on this guys wife??
03/26/2013 10:16PM
I heard you practiced all of this on some guys wife?
Go check out the missed connections section on craigslist! Sounds like you've had some good time to do this on your girlfriend, and some guys wife. TOOL.
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